Beat a Bully Without a Fight

beat a bully



160,000 American Children Stay Home from School Each Day to Avoid Their Bully

from the back cover

There is much talk and many books about the subject, but it seems bullying in schools is getting worse, instead of better.

Beat a Bully Without a Fight is about preventing bullying, and how parents can help their child overcome the devastation of being bullied that can lead to depression, ostracism, and now

Rather than punishing children for not getting along, the author makes a great case for teaching both the bully and the bullied to resolve conflict peaceably.

The secret is solving the conflict when the problem is small.

Many of us, not just children, are subjected to bullies, and we have suffered because if it.  After seven long years of dealing with her own bullies, the author brings perspective and understanding of this serious state of affairs that plagues our society and dominates so many lives.

the story behind the book


Why? you ask. Why do I write books about bullying and stalking? Why not write about something pleasant, like a juicy romance novel or a self-help book on sewing?

Sometimes ideas appear and continue to nag at you until you do something with them.  So this is why I write on these topics: 

      1. Because the issues are pressing and will not leave my brain
      2. To give my readers a different perspective on why we do what we do

It needs to be said.  And continued to be said until we figure out violence is not the answer, and that we must take proactive measures to prevent it.

Even though these are negative-sounding topics, there is much good that can come out of examining the brutal reality of our existence. 

You might say the ideas for writing books on bullying and stalking just “appeared.” While researching the contemptable situation of America’s unjust justice system (!), the subject of stalking kept rising to the top. The numbers were huge – too huge to ignore.

And right alongside this data are numbers on bullying.  Why are so many children staying home from schools to avoid their bully?

I believe anyone reading this has been bullied at some time in your life.  Be glad if you have never had the “pleasure.”  There is always someone bigger and stronger than we are, someone that will take whatever means possible to get their way.

I also believe we are this way because we have been conditioned to “take it.”  The older generations were taught to respect authority, no matter what.  And while they were doing the respecting, “authority” took advantage of that and used it against us. 

And now, no one seems to know who to respect.

Our “turn the other cheek ” mentality does not work when it comes to bullying.

If you see someone bullied, and do or say nothing about it, you are just as big a bully as the bully.  By proxy, so to speak.

To stand up and speak out could mean you will be ostracized and put down.  Why would you want to do that?  After all, you have a life, a family.  Why rock the boat?  This thinking works well – until it happens to you.

Beat a Bully without a Fight:  Advice for Parents talks about managing emotions and using “I” statements.  Something most of us could learn to do better.  

Did you know children who are “different’ (color, disability, sexual orientation) are two to three times more likely to be bullied than those who are not?kids with disabilities are just kidsOf the 160,000 children that stay home each day, where are they getting their education?  How many children go to school and face their bully because staying home is not an option?

What are we teaching our future generations?

an excerpt from the book

Managing and resolving conflict are skills everyone can use. Unfortunately, this is not usually taught in our schools. When a bully and the bullied are disciplined in school, they are reprimanded and sent to detention. This is a perfect time for educators to teach both of them how to solve their problems. Counselling, instead of detention.

When we deal with these behaviors with punishment, we only nurture more hatred and resentment.

Judging from the vast number of children that stay home from school, the school bullying programs are not doing a very good job in thwarting this epidemic. And indeed, a report by McCallion & Fedor (2013), show that school bullying programs decrease bullying by only 25%.

A child is a captive audience when he is in trouble. He is willing to do whatever he can to get off the hook.

Rather than mete out punishment, what if both the bullied and bully were offered counseling and taught assertiveness skills?

This would give them the opportunity to discuss the difficulties they are having with each other, and after a few sessions of individual counseling, the two could come together to discuss their differences.


Labeling emotions is an important skill. Douglas Noll, in his book,

De-escalate. How to calm an angry person in 90 seconds or less, lists the five emotions that rule us.

1. Anger
2. Fear
3. Anxiety
4. Disgust
5. Grief/Shame/Humiliation
6. Abandoned/unloved

He uses this tier for labeling emotions in his counseling classes for inmates in California prisons, called Prisons for Peace. The trick is identifying the emotion and labeling it. Once you know how you are feeling, you can understand why you feel this way.

The first emotion to present is anger, but if you dig deeper, you will identify the others, perhaps all of them. As you go down the tier, each emotion amplifies the ones above it. Feelings of abandonment will affect every other aspect of your life.

Once you can label your emotions, you can label them in others. Noll advises watching a 30-second TV commercial and see how many emotions you can identify. With a little bit of practice, you will be able to read other people’s emotions and label them, for your own use, not to throw back in their face.

Remember, this is conflict resolution – reaching an understanding.

anger management

When approached by a difficult and angry person, do this:

1. Ignore the words
2. Guess at and reflect back the emotions.

Here is an example of how this works between parent and child:

P: You hit your little brother?
C: Because he was bothering me.
P: You were annoyed and frustrated.
C: He wouldn’t quit bothering me.
P: You were angry and annoyed.
C: Yeah, I wanted to be left alone!
P: You feel disrespected and not listened to.
C: Yeah!

Notice there is no deep soul-searching conversation about why the sister feels this way. The idea is to identify the emotion the child is feeling so she can bring it out in the open and acknowledge it.

Without putting the onus on anyone, the child is appeased and understood. How many times do we become frustrated because we cannot get our point across, no matter how hard we try? The person listening just doesn’t get it. They are so wrapped up in their own world view, they fail to even try to understand yours.


boy pulling on kid who is cryingWill you join me?  

Stop the violence in our cities and schools.  In the nation.  In the world. 

All it takes is a smile and a kind word.

STOP IT when you SEE IT!

We must all do our parts and stand up for ANYONE who is getting picked on, tormented, chided, made fun of, whether child or adult, male or female.

We must all do our parts and check our own judgemental ways.

With each smile and kind word, we can build a BRAVE NEW WORLD, a world without violence.  A world where children do not stay home from school to avoid their bully.




beat a bully